Joanne's Story!
by wolfonaleash
Summary: Harry discovers a lot about himself, Voldemort confuses us further, house elves develop a strange taste in pop music, and more!
1. Pink Glitter! And blenders

It was about 8 o'clock on a cold, rainy morning that Harry Potter realized that he was, in fact, gay. This was a result of his waking up with his head resting on Ron Weasley's neck. He had just stifled a blood curdling scream when he felt something moving at the end of the bed.

"Ron, wake up!" whispered Harry urgently, slapping him across the face. He drew up his toes, worried that the movement might be Voldemort, and that dear old Volders might, for some unexplainable reason, try to kill him.

The movement slithered up in between the now shaking Harry and a confused, bleary eyed Ron.

"Hi Harry." Hermione purred.

"Hi?" Harry squeaked.

Ron's face popped up from behind her. "Um?" was his intelligent greeting.

"Does anyone know what's going on here?" demanded Harry, sounding very much like 'The Boy Who Lived' and meaning to.

"For God's sake, was I really that bad?" Hermione exclaimed, pouting.

"Not for me." Grunted Seamus sleepily from under the bed.

At that unexpected greeting, Harry jumped from the bed and began to run downstairs.

However, he felt a slight breeze.

Glancing down, Harry found that he wasn't any clothes. And on discovery of this, the first years who had been sitting around in the common room all began to scream.

"Bugger!" screamed Harry, attempting to ignore the snorts of laughter coming from his bed. He pulled on some black jeans and a robe, ('Who needs a shirt when you're the Boy Who Lived?' thought Harry.) before heading downstairs. Hermione and Ron, of course, followed Harry down the stairs like sheep.

Hermione had donned a lavender baby doll dress, her hair fashioned into a beehive, and Ron had donned a pink boob tube with hot pink pants.

Harry cringed. How many times did he have to tell Ron that people with red hair could NOT wear pink? Honestly, the boy was never going to reach his dream of joining the Moulin Rouge if he couldn't learn to dress himself.

Still shaking his head at Ron's obvious lack of fashion sense, Harry ducked through the portrait hole and set off for breakfast in the main hall, trying not to pay attention to the horrified glares people were assigning him. As he walked through the corridors, it became obvious that everything he passed was covered in glitter. Pink glitter. Why, he never found out, because at that moment, a flying house elf dropped a blender on his head.

The main hall was filled with vociferous voices.

"Ron? Where's Harry?"

"Some new girl."

"Australia."

"Where's Harry?"

"GIVE ME MY TOAST BACK!"

Hermione's voice was now twisted with worry.

"RON!"

"What?" Ron asked innocently, turning away from stabbing a toast-thief to death with his pocket knife.

"Where in the hell is Harry?"

Ron shrugged carelessly, and turned back to his plate, this time attempting the impossible task of cutting his bacon and ignoring the toast-stealer, who was slowly bleeding to death all over Seamus.

Hermione was worried. But then she became distracted. "Who's that?" she asked to no one in particular.

A girl was entering the hall. She was quite short for her age, which appeared to be about 16, with fair blonde hair, brown eyes and a slightly tanned complexion. She was wearing the Slytherin house robes which shined as if they had been dipped into a vat of grease.

Hermione noted, like the rest of the room, that she was quite pretty. She also noted Draco currently resembled a retarded Chihuahua. As she watched him, Crabbe began to choke on a chicken bone he had shoved down his throat in a rush to get the last pumpkin juice. With a dumbfounded look, Goyle fled the scene.

The girl sat down at the table opposite Draco, and, pretending like she knew exactly what she was doing when in fact she wasn't even sure she was wearing the right house robes (they did say Hufflepuff didn't they?), began to pile pancakes onto her plate.

Draco gave Crabbe a death stare. "Die QUIETLY would you?" he snapped, stepping on his stomach and then over him. The chicken bone shot out of his mouth and hit Seamus in the head, who was heading to the toilet. He hit the ground hard, and was promptly run over by a stampede of second year Ravenclaws.

Apologising, Crabbe ran out of the room after Goyle with drool hanging out of his mouth.

With a trenchant look over his shoulder at the retreating Crabbe, Draco sat down next to the new girl. "So." He said with a smirk.

"So what?" asked the girl, using her fork to cram the entire pancake into her mouth.

"You're new here."

She raised an eyebrow. "Mo, mreary?" Maple syrup ran out of the corners of her mouth as she chewed with difficulty.

"Huh?"

She swallowed. "No, really?"

If Draco Thumbelina Malfoy could understand sarcasm, he didn't let on.

"Well, yes… I'm Draco Malfoy." He said, sticking out his hand with a smile.

"I'm Web-"A bell cut off her self-introduction. Giving him an intrigued look, she headed off to where she hoped was the Arithmancy classroom.

Web came across a large blender. As she stared, somebody underneath it groaned and the blender toppled off in a poof of pink glitter.

"Ow." Moaned the boy, rubbing a lump on his head gingerly. He turned to her. "Who the hell are you?"

"Web. Nice to meet you too." After a slight pause, in which she stared conceitedly at the pink glitter strewn through his hair, she asked, "Uh, you don't need any help do ya?"

"You couldn't take me to the hospital wing could you?" Harry was used to people he barely knew carrying him to safety while he was asleep, unconscious and very vulnerable. But he knew no one would ever do anything bad to him, because he was Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, and everyone was his friend.

"Eh?"

At the very moment Harry was considering telling Web exactly what he thought of her hairstyle, Hermione came running along the corridor heading for Arithmancy which for some reason she was late for. Emitting a loud, surprised shriek of "HHAAAAAAAAAARRRRYYYYYYYYY!" which made her sound like a harpy, she swooped on Harry.

"Are you okay?" she demanded, still in a high pitched voice, and giving Web an astonishingly evil look.

"A blender just fell on my head Hermione. I'm just peachy." Harry said derisively.

Web cut through the ensuing awkward silence with, "Uh… so… what was your name again?"

"I'm Harry and this is Hermione." Harry answered eagerly.

"Oh. Um pause Hermione would you take pause Harry to the hospital wing? Coz I'm kind of new and don't know here anything such as the Arithmancy classroom is…"

"Sure!" Hermione chirped quickly, jumping up. "Come ON Harry." She jerked him up with a crack that sounded like she had just broken his collar bone and dragged him down the corridor, glaring at Web over her shoulder every now and again.


	2. Spygirlthingyto oh forget it

It was dinnertime in the main hall. Sitting next to Draco, Web didn't feel much like eating listening to the disgusting chewing and slobbering sounds all but Malfoy were making.

Though the amazingly articulate way Malfoy cut his steak was starting to freak her out too.

For the fifty-seventh time that evening, Web looked down at her steak and realized that the probable reason she didn't feel like eating was that she didn't actually eat meat. In light of this new fact, she informed the closest person.

"Draco, I don't eat meat."

Draco spat his mouthful into Pansy Parkinson's down turned face.

"Shit! Sorry Pansy!" he turned to Web, "You what?"

"I don't eat meat." Repeated Web

Draco raised one perfectly shaped blonde eyebrow.

"Ok," Web began, sighing dejectedly, "See this?" She motioned to the steak on her own plate.

"Yeah…"

"This is what we call meat."

Draco made a "duh"ing sound. She glowered.

"Anyway," she continued fiercely, "I don't eat it. You follow?"

"Uh…" Draco said with the tone of a four year old learning that 1+12. "Well… ok… but why?"

Web fixed him with an icy glare.

"Is that really the point Draco? Is ANYTHING?" she sighed, staring up at the bewitched ceiling.

Draco squeaked and sunk into his chair.

"So my point was," Web announced huffily, "was that I would like some OTHER food."

"Well, unless you call brussel sprouts food, there is none. You'll have to starve." Pansy butted in with an air of superiority, her face clearly reading:

'_AreyouokayDracoit'llbeokayDracoi'llhelpyouDracodon'tworryhand'soffhe'smine!'_

"What are you talking about Pansy? There are plenty of non-meat products on the table!" Draco exclaimed, sweeping his arm toward the pile of unwashed potatoes at the end of the table.

"Uhh… well…"

"Meh. I wasn't hungry anyway." Said Web casually, stalking out. Goyle made an 'ooh'ing sound.

This 'ooh' was not in any way related to Web leaving, but he did 'ooh' and I just felt it was interesting enough to include it.

"Whew, Freeeee-ak." Pansy said, but her face clearly read 'I wonder how long Draco's gonna be with that steak.'

"Shut UP Pansy you fat heifer," Draco said, "Here, have my parsley, it will remind you of mwa." He walked out after Web.

Pansy watched him go, a faraway look on her face. Then, looking around to make sure EVERYONE was watching, she hastily seized the parsley, shoved it into her robes and ran off screaming "He loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooves me!"

Hermione noted this with satisfaction. And when I say noted, I mean she really noted this. She had written a word-by-word account it her new 'Spygirl' notebook, by using her new 'Spygirl-thingy-to-overhear-people's-conversations-that-we-say-is-sneaky-but-is-actually-big-and-clunky-and-purple-and-everyone-can-see-it'.

She knew that by using her new 'Spygirl-thingy-to-overhear-people's-conversations-that-we-say-is-sneaky-but-is-actually-big-and-clunky-and-purple-and-everyone-can-see-it' she was contradicting herself, as it was electronic, and as we all know one of Hermione's favourite quotes (of herself, she also had them written in her 'Spygirl' notebook) was "Electronics don't work in Hogwarts! I read it in 'Hogwarts: A History'."

But Hermione didn't care.

Although Malfoy WAS as hot as he was, she had an inkling he was gay, and besides, Web seemed to like Draco and NOT Harry, who was uncomfortably interested in previously mentioned slutface. And if all else failed, she heard Draco say 'heifer' which was a big 'um-mah' (and also a MAJOR turn-on).

This made Hermione happy.

Harry and Ron, in the meantime, were STILL talking about the new sex-kitten/plaything/porn star/ahem, girl that had supposedly rescued Harry from a bombardment of blenders. She swung around in her chair, rolling her eyes as she did so.

"I have explained this HOW many times tonight? And STILL you won't listen! She didn't SAVE you, she just happened to be there when you came to! Why, if I hadn't been there…"

She aimed her wand at a brussel sprout which had just marched onto the table carrying a sign that read 'Eat Me!" muttered 'diediediedamnbrusselssprout!' and it exploded all over Seamus.

Seamus was not having a good day.

"If you hadn't been there WHAT Hermione?" Ron challenged, then put his head down and stared at his plate, expecting a slap on the back of the head.

Hermione muttered something about 'insane sex-starved Slytherin's', then pushed her plate away and ran off in the general direction of the library.

"What the?" Ron exclaimed, staring at her retreating buttocks. "I think she's been using that Spygirl thingy, she's acting stupid again."

He motioned over his shoulder where Hermione was darting from wall to wall holding her finger's in the shape of a handgun, and diving into a roll every now and again, spy-style.

"Ohhhh, you mean the 'Spygirl-thingy-to-overhear-people's-conversations-that-we-say-is-sneaky-but-is-actually-big-and-clunky-and-purple-and-everyone-can-see-it-and-we're-not-allowed-to-say-we-can-see-it-coz-she'll-hurt-us?" Harry asked, staring at her as she spread her legs, aimed her "handgun" at Peeves and fired.

"Exactly."

"Oh."

"Yeah, she had that big clunky purple diary thing out too, but as you'll be happy to know, it didn't have your name all over the page again."

"Oh really? So what did it say?" Harry and Ron had apprehended the notebook one night while Hermione was asleep and read through it. All the pages contained Harry's name in varying states of legibility.

"I dunno, something about Web and Draco having deformed children in a gutter and her stabbing them to death and heifers."

Ron shrugged. Suddenly a change came over Harry's complacent face.

"Wait; did you say Web and DRACO?"

"Yep."

"WHAT?" Harry jumped out of his seat, a murderous look on his face.

"Geez Harry, you only met the girl today, calm DOWN."

"Who?"

"Web?"

"Oh. Right." He took a seat and tried to look knowledgeable.

Ron gave him a puzzled look.

"I mean, YEAH! What a HOTTIE. Totally do HER up the ass."

"WHAT?"

"I mean, um… yeah."

Ron gave him a sceptical look, and then returned to eating his chicken. A few moments later, Harry cut him off with a scream of "DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!" which caused Ginny to fall off her chair.

"I didn't know you could mind read." Said Ron dully, who had been looking forward to discussing techniques with Harry over dessert.

"I can't." said Harry, realizing immediately that he must have been right, and beaming.

Earlier that morning, Harry had found a book that said in bold black letters:

'MIND READING FOR DUMMIES - YOU TOO CAN LEARN THE ART OF STATING THE OBVIOUS AT THE RIGHT TIME! THIS IS PROPERTY OF SNAPE! LEAVE IT ALONE OR I'LL FORCE VERITASERUM DOWN YOUR THROAT!" So of course he had picked it up and read it right there, cross-legged, on Snape's desk. Those kinds of things NEVER get you into trouble.


	3. But I like walks!

Web sank into an oversized armchair in front of the fire. No one was back from dinner yet, so she had the entire tower to herself. She had considered a great many activities to pass the time, such as setting the decorative pillows alight or cursing Pansy's toiletries, but instead decided to sit down. On a chair. A new experience for both her, and the chair.

"So this is it. Was it as good for you?" she asked the chair.

Before it could answer, Draco stalked into the room arguing with Crabbe and Goyle about their loss of a four course meal for the night.

"You expect us to survive on only THREE steaks ALL FUCKING NIGHT?" demanded Crabbe, blocking the way any further up the stairs that lead the boy's dormitory.

Web laughed at loud at the statement. Having not noticed that she was actually there, the three suffered varying states of panic. Goyle, as usual, fled the scene. Crabbe screamed and jumped into Draco's arms, who had no real reaction except for doing a slight double-take.

"Hello?" asked Crabbe shakily. In the silence that followed, Draco crashed backwards into the wall under Crabbe's weight and Crabbe bounced down to the floor, emitting a wail on each and every stair.

"Hi." Answered Web, raising her head above the chair to give them a condescending smile. "It's me."

"Hey!" said Draco, "Where'd you go?" He waved Crabbe and Goyle away as they snuck past him to get to the feast.

"Oh, I dunno..." Web muttered sarcastically, "Where am I?"

Draco stared at her.

"Don't worry." Web crossed her legs very purposefully as Draco crossed the room and sat in the chair next to her.

"So, what's to do in this place?"

"I can think of a couple of things…" Draco muttered suggestively.

Web raised an eyebrow coyly. "Oh? Like what?"

"Well, we could go for a walk!" Draco said excitedly.

Web allowed the full impact of that statement to sink in. "I see. There's nothing… else… you can think of?"

Draco stared at her again, then, slowly, "But... I like walks! But… if you wanted to do something else…"

"Never mind. Shall we?" Web got up and left the common room, Draco following with a running commentary on just how interesting walks could be.

Web noticed about 10 minutes into the walk, in which she was completely and utterly lost, that Draco had paused.

"Draco? And then the squid…?"

Draco didn't answer, but instead stared straight past her.

"Potter? Weasley? Granger?" he asked incredulously

Web spun around. Harry, Hermione and Ron were sitting in a line along a windowsill like birds on a wire, bathed in moonlight, laughing like jackasses.

"Yes Malfoy?" cackled Hermione

"Maybe he wants a quickie 'miney!" Ron stage-whispered

"Ha, you wish!" Draco snarled hurriedly, glancing about to make sure there were no paparazzi hidden in the shadows, scribbling down this last remark with gleeful expressions.

"What is UP with them?" Web asked quietly

Draco shrugged and pulled a face.

Web walked over to them disbelievingly. Harry almost fell off the windowsill as he spoke.

"So what have you naughty heads been doing?"

Shrieks of laughter filled the corridor.

"Blenders?" Draco questioned from in the shadows, as Web tapped Ron on the head. His composure didn't change at all, although his laughter became more and more like a chipmunk on helium.

"Maybe someone put them under a curse or something."

BANG!

"What the hell was that?"

Ron, Harry and Hermione's chorus of giggles had died down. All of a sudden they were very solemn. Ron whispered something to Hermione, who relayed it to Harry. As if planned, they then all started giggling in unison.

Web looked around.

"That sounded very much like someone or something falling over. Or being pushed. One of the two anyway." Web contemplated.

"Yeah..." Wondered Draco

"Very well done Malfoy." Harry said lamely, sitting up straight. He then attempted to mimic him.

Of course this was side-splittingly funny.

"You know, they could be drunk." Draco said, as Web started to walk into complete darkness, looking for the source of the bang.

Before she could reply, she tripped and fell over a large moving mass.

"Web?"

MMPH!

"Ow!" Web sat up. "What the hell? Lumos!"

Web had pulled out her wand and it was now lit up in front of her. Nothing. She turned around.

With the combined light of Draco and Web's lit wands, they located the source of both the bang and the thing Web had tripped over.

Snape and McGonagall were lying on the cold floor going at it like rabbits.

"Ewwwww!" Web squealed indignantly.

"My, doesn't that sober you up fast." Harry exclaimed calmly.

"Yes. Let's go now." Said Hermione.

Ron was still laughing. Hermione cuffed him around the head. "Ron! It isn't funny anymore!"

"Oh, yeah."

At that, they all jumped off the windowsill and walked off.

"Maybe they were drunk." Pondered Web.

MOOOOOOOAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!

"Come on, let's go!" Draco said, grabbing her arm and running.

Web was giggling like an idiot and gasping for breath as they ran along the corridor attempting not to throw up. Reaching the entrance to the school grounds, Web staggered drunkenly over to a tree and leaned against it, where as Draco preferred to stand, doubled over with mirth.

"OK, that was really, really, really nasty!"

"Yes... quite interesting... if anything..." she said, looking quite unfortunate and discomforted.

Draco shuddered in agreement. "I TOLD you walks could be interesting!" He then beamed.

Web rolled her eyes. "Yes…"

Draco sat down on a conveniently placed bench.

"So." He said, motioning for her to sit down. "Where are you from anyway?"

"A place." Web said. The look on his face prompted further conversation.

"All right, all right. I was being stupid. I got the letter for Hogwarts and I WANTED to go, but NOO, it's too FAR Web, we can't MOVE Web, you'll have to go to the nearest AUSTRALIAN school Web, we're SORRY Web but NO Web, nah nah nah nah NAH!"

She rolled her eyes contemptuously.

"So I go there for years and then OH GREAT GOD! Daddy darling gets a TRANSFER to the Ministry of Magic and all of sudden 'oh, WEB, you can go to HOGWARTS now that you HAVE friends... we hope you're not PISSED OFF AT US or anything!' 'Oh, of course not mother, that's just FINE with ME, not that I HAVE a CHOICE!'"

Web looked at Draco who was actually nodding in agreement.

"So then we move into this house near London and OH JOY now I get to make NEW friends!"

"So, what, you don't want to make new friends?" asked Draco, looking somewhat dejected. Draco loved to make friends. His favourite way to make friends was by getting drunk and insulting people. It was one of his favourite hobbies.

"It's not I don't WANT to make new friends, but I wish I didn't have to leave the old ones… and start all over again… you know…"

"Oh yeah…"

The conversation died off. Web stared off into the night sky, watching the stars twinkle. She looked down to watch Draco.

He was quite hot. Damn… he was VERY hot.

"So Draco…" Web started, angling her body towards his. "Are you taken?"

"Uh…."

Web leaned in, kissing him slowly, but forcefully. Unfortunately, an unwanted spectator was about to make his presence known.

"You're in trouble now..." came a voice from the shadows. Filch's face appeared.

"How long do you think he's been watching?" Draco whispered, alarmed.

"You're off to the 'eadmasters office sonny Jim!" Filch said, cursing himself for not remaining quiet for longer so he could've seen some more action.

Web groaned to herself, Filch's face hardened and he frog marched them up the stairs.

They arrived in a well lit up room. A pile of porn mags, a broken mace, scrolls of parchment, a dildo, an eagle feather quill resting in a jar of ink, and a caged phoenix rested on the desk near them. Shelves were stacked full of all sorts of explicit dugs... I mean, of course, the sorting hat and a sort of wand that squeaked like a loose door hinge. In fact, the room had everything BUT the headmaster.

In fact, the only people in the room were Web and Draco. Filch had already left, after hissing "Later big boy," to Draco.

"We're all alone." Web mentioned, to break the ensuing silence.

A smirk crept slowly onto Draco's face.

Before they knew what they were doing, the things on Dumbledore's desk were swept on to the floor with a loud smashing sound.

What they did next made the watching phoenix die and come back to life three times...

The door creaked open. It was Dumbledore. His jaw dropped open, and stayed open as he approached the desk. He tripped over his beard.

"How dare you make me trip over! I am the almighty and powerful Lord Voldemort! Die evil fiends, die die die die die!... I mean, ahem, what do you two think you are doing?" roared Dumbledore from the centrefold of Playboy, which his head was currently buried in.

"Mmmph!" said Web.

In a blind rage Dumbledore locked the two in the kitchen.


	4. Cleaning Dumbledore's office

"What the hell is a computer Harry?" demanded Ron dubiously.

"It's a big box-like thing that people use to type." Harry said, sighing in aggravation.

"What's a type?"

"Ron!" Hermione scolded, smiling but shaking her head in disbelief.

"Not a type, like typing..." Harry frowned thoughtfully and his stomach made a realistic sounding lion's roar, "Where the HELL is the food?" _(I swear to god I wrote this part before the third movie came out guys. I swear it.)_

As if it was planned, the food appeared on the plates. However, so did something quite unexpected.

On the staff table, in place of the food, Web and Draco - making out passionately -appeared.

After a few moments, the two noticed the change in scenery and jumped to their feet, both turning a deep shade of red. Even the affronted looks on each and every one of the staff members' faces could not overshadow the deeply embarrassed looks on both Draco and Web's faces. Web looked mildly amused by the sudden turn in events, while Draco's face became steadily redder and redder, before running from the room. Web was at his heels, only pausing to reach over Harry's head and take a piece of toast on the way out. As soon as they were out of earshot the room burst into conversation. Most of the room was laughing, except for the girls at the Slytherin table, Ron and Harry.

Both of their jaws were in their plates. Hermione, wiping tears from her eyes, caught sight of the two. She closed their jaws roughly, and then slapped them across the face.

"OW!" yelled Ron, clapping his hand to his cheek. Then, "Why is there bacon on my chin?"

Hermione brushed it away brusquely.

"BECAUSE." she started, putting great emphasis on the 'cause', "Your bottom jaw was in your bacon only a while ago."

She ignored Ron rubbing egg off his chin with a humiliated look plastered on his face.

Ron stabbed his sausage. "Well, ummmmmmmm, hmmmm."

Hermione's eyes flashed dangerously "Snap OUT of it you two!"

"Mumble mumble sex mumble mumble MY TOAST mumble mumble Hermione." Harry said knowledgeably.

"Well!" she cried angrily, going to stab her bacon with her fork but impaling Neville Longbottom's hand to the table instead.

"HERMIONE!" he cried shrilly at the top of his lungs

"Oh FUCK!" she shouted, and, grabbing her plate and throwing it in his face, she stormed out.

"Ow?" said Neville

"Ooooooooh, you swore!" said Ginny

"Shut up Ginny." said Neville, placing a lemon meringue pie in her face.

"Thank you." Ginny said, muffled by the cream in her mouth.

Draco and Web had recovered to the Slytherin room, and were talking animatedly.

"Gawd, did you SEE Trelawney's face? She was so shocked she jumped back and her glasses fell into her tea!" she exclaimed, snorting with laughter, "Can you just imagine what everyone is gonna think!"

Draco grimaced over-dramatically "Don't remind me."

As he said that, Snape swept into the room and picked his way disdainfully through the mess left from the night before. He stood in front of them menacingly.

"What," he hissed through gritted teeth, "was THAT?" He looked into Web's face, so close she could see the greasy roots of his hair crawling with lice.

"It may have been one of your teeth falling out Professor, considering the state they're in," Draco answered from beneath her, attempting to keep a straight face. He, of course, succeeded; because he was covered by Web's large arse and no one could see his face.

Web sniggered.

Snape snarled, unable to control a twitch above his left eye. "Do you not understand the severity of this?" he whispered.

"Um..." Web looked at her nails pretending to be deep in thought, "No."

"I see. Well, the headmaster wants to see you. I'm sure HE can explain it to you." He said, stepping back and looking very pleased with himself.

Web snorted very amusingly.

"Hurry up then!" Snape said impatiently

Web got up and followed Snape out of the common room. He led the way to Dumbledore's office, snarling "Cocaine" at the statues and storming up the stairs.

"Hello Severus." Greeted Dumbledore, welcoming him inside.

"And you two." He added.

They walked inside, the phoenix emitting a low wolf-whistle as they entered.

"Fawkes?" Dumbledore said, taken aback

For a phoenix, Fawkes was very surprisingly able to smile slyly.

"Well, I suppose you can both guess why you are here." He started, with much less of a kind twinkling in his eye.

"Uh... yeah... I think..." Web answered, noticing Snape was hovering oddly next to the desk, peering down Dumbledore's robes.

She thanked the stars he wasn't standing next to her.

"So you understand why we are taking this so seriously."

"Mmmmmm... no." Draco cleared his throat in a rather undignified way and continued in a hushed theatrical voice, "I mean, it was just SEX."

"What do you mean?" Snape choked on his own spit and fell on the floor.

Web was bewildered, despite being amused by Snape rolling around on the floor gasping for breath. "Some people." She muttered.

"Well you see..." Dumbledore's normally composed face was turning a pinkish tinge as he struggled for words to explain.

"Well, uh, you see, uh, well, we just can't have such matters so... undecently exposed at school. It isn't... good... no... uh... it's not right..."

Web arched an eyebrow.

After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, the colour in Dumbledore's face slowly drained.

"Right, well the simple fact is both of you have certain… relationships… that should..."

"I think what Dumbledore is trying to say is that we are going to have to ask you to leave Hogwarts. For the rest of the year." Snape interrupted, and then nodded gravely at Dumbledore, who stuttered obliviously in agreement.

"What? Why? What in hell?" Web asked, still amused by Snape's antics, but hearing the word leaving and assuming it was bad.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" yelled Draco, "Snape and McGonagall did worse than that last night but they're both still teaching!"

Snape had positioned himself again on Dumbledore's desk, one leg crossed over the other, head tilted to one side. Dumbledore's face went white and he shoved Snape off the desk, and then crossed his arms with a stormy look on his face.

"This is RIDICULOUS!" Draco bawled.

"Don't take it so HARD Draco. Think of it as ALONE time!" He attempted to nudge him in the ribs, which didn't quite work given he was sitting on the opposite side of the desk to him.

The room went silent for a few minutes. "I have no idea what Minerva sees in you." Said Dumbledore quietly.

"Oh!" Snape said loudly as his eyes flew open, "Just because she doesn't go for older men!" he jumped to his feet and began doing a complicated, menacing solo version of the foxtrot.

"How dare you!" Thundered Dumbledore, getting to his feet and whipping what Web hoped was a wand out from his robes.

"Excuse me?" Web said timidly

"WHAT?" roared Snape and Dumbledore at the same time.

"What do you want us to do?"

"Go and pack. Or go on an escapade. Do something. I dunno... you leave after dinner. Now piss off. Me and Severus need some... time." Dumbledore said, winking at Snape as he finished speaking.

Web had a stunned look on her face. Draco caught her eye and mouthed, "Run."

They quickly walked out of the room, trying to ignore the scattering and scraping sounds coming from behind them.

"Hmm." Draco began "That was... entertaining."

"Lovely how well the professors seem to get on isn't it." Web replied


	5. A trip to Hogsmeade!

"Hey!" Draco exclaimed, as they returned to the deserted Main Hall.

"What?"

"We're supposed to be at Hogsmeade today."

"Oh really?" Web asked, having no clue as to what Hogsmeade was or why she would want to be there.

"Yes, really... and we're late."

"Oh. Well, I suppose we should go then."

"But… we just got expelled!"

"So?"

"So… Well… Okay."

Ignoring the disapproving looks of certain teachers, they hurried into Honeydukes. Like usual, it was packed with chattering students, but as they walked in, the whole room went silent. Everyone's attention was fixed on Web and Draco, some girls almost causing Web to drop dead with their death stares, likewise Harry to Draco.

"Hi?" said Web candidly

Everyone started talking again at the same time.

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh-" Said Web acidly, as Pansy sidled up to Draco.

"So... fancy a butterbeer?" Pansy offered, winking.

"No." Draco growled tartly.

Pansy 'but-but'd' stupidly for a while then stopped herself with a high-pitched, pathetic wail that took a while to translate to "Why?"

"Because I don't want to. I'd rather show Web around." Draco explained tetchily.

Pansy sneered at Web like a chimpanzee. "Why, can't poor Webby find things pro-per-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?"

"As a matter of fact, Pansy, I probably have a better chance than you, as, unlike you, I have this thing scientists have dubbed a brain."

Pansy was gob smacked. "Well, ner!"

Web raised her eyebrows. "Great comeback." She said scathingly.

Pansy pursed her lips and stomped off.

"Interesting."

"You'll get used to her. Well actually… maybe not…" Draco trailed off, and noticing something that caused him to go bright red, asked hastily, "Do you want a butterbeer?"

"I suppose, but you don't do you?"

"Yes."

"But you said-" Web's face brightened, "Oh!" She got a sort of scarilv triumphant look on her face.

Web followed Draco out of the store. It was quite cold out, so both were happier as they entered the dimly lit room.

They sat down at a wooden table to the far left. Eventually, they ordered and soon enough their drinks were on the table in front of them.

"Fascinating." Draco said interestedly

"Mmmmmm?" Web requested, swallowing a mouthful of her butterbeer hurriedly.

"Seems like we have a fan club."

"You mean WE have a fan club? Some people different to YOUR fans? Some actual people have come to see US not just -" Web's scorns were interrupted by Draco saying 'yes' pointedly, and clapping a hand over her mouth.

He pointed out Harry, Hermione and Ron wandering the room. Harry and Hermione looked very remarkable, scanning tables and all sorts for god knows what. Ron followed them; occasionally saying things they couldn't hear but they assumed were pleas for them to stop throwing people's drinks everywhere and overturning tables and chairs in their relentless searching. All of sudden, they spotted Web and Draco snorting into their butterbeers. They sat down at one of the tables they hadn't overturned and watched them unblinkingly.

With a loud, resigned sigh, Ron sat across from them and began waving his hands in front of their faces. After a while of non-responsive, trance-like behaviour, he shrugged his shoulders over exaggeratedly, and trudged over to them.

"What is wrong with them?" He asked tactlessly.

"Who?" Draco asked, pretending as if he hadn't been watching for the last few minutes.

"Who do you think?" he hissed.

"Oh, you mean Potter and Granger? Like I would know!"

"Yeah, right."

"Why would Ido anything anyway?"

"Because you're a mad, foolish googly-eyed freak who can't get a shag and..." he stopped and looked at Web, "Well, I guess you can. But still."

"Foolish?" Draco asked incredulously, "Googly eyed?"

"Yeah, well... you got the gist of it anyway."

"You need to work on your vocabularlary... vocabulariry .. vocabularly..."

"Vocabulary." Web supplied

"That." He agreed, staring at the table, his pale cheeks reddening

"Anyway," Web said, sipping her butterbeer lazily, "What was the purpose of this visit?"

"Oh, yeah, that's right. Stop what ever you did to them."

"Puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeez?" Web said indignantly.

"Please." Ron said with a disgusted look on his face.

"We didn't do anything. We already told you that. Having to repeat myself is becoming quite annoying." Web answered.

"Yeah, well what do you expect?" Ron asked.

"Well, you and Harry got caught making out in the change rooms before a Quidditch match and you were severely reprimanded." Draco pointed out aloofly, stirring the froth on his butter beer with his finger.

"We were forced into an orgy with the teachers thank you, which is worse let me tell you... Oops."

"O... kay..." Web said slowly, turning to look at Draco in shock. Draco skulled his butterbeer, then said calmly, "Weasley, never, ever, ever, tell me that much about you, a-GAIN. Ever. Understood?"

Ron gulped and nodded. Web got up and drank her own butterbeer quickly.

"Goodbye." She said, slamming her empty glass on the table and heading towards the door. Draco followed her, still shaking his head at this newly gained knowledge.

"Let's go to the Shrieking Shack." Draco whispered in her ear as they left the room.

"Okay then, even though I wouldn't have a clue what that is."

They walked up side by side, until reaching a good look out point. Web, clambering up onto a half ruined brick wall, suddenly pointed off into the distance and began to laugh.

"What?"

"I think you're right about our growing fan club."

She bent down to Draco and pointing out a red-faced Harry and a stormy-faced Hermione. Ron was following meekly.

"Look here Malfoy!" Harry challenged

Draco, who was already looking in his direction, rolled his eyes.

"I already am." he said contemptuously.

Harry looked taken aback. "I don't want you... anywhere near Web anymore!"

"Shouldn't you be speaking to Web about that then?" he said, un-phased.

"You don't want her! Leave her alone!"

Web had been watching bemusedly until now. "Do you NOT think that you should ask whether or not he does want me, not just make these assumptions?"

"No, because I know what he wants!"

Draco looked slightly irritated, but Web ignored it.

"Oh, sure you would no."

Draco made some sort of gesture behind her head as Harry opened his mouth to say something. He closed his mouth angrily, opened it again, thought for a moment, shut it, opened it for the third time and then started again.

"Wouldn't you rather me?" he asked despondently, causing Draco to pout.

"Um, no, actually." Web said flatly

"Oh."

Hermione beamed.

"I saw that Hermione." Harry said.

Hermione frowned.

"I saw that too. What is up with you today?" He turned around to face the girl, who was staring at the backs of Harry's shoes.

"Nothing..." Hermione answered, looking away and trying to appear uninterested.

Harry raised his eyebrows disbelievingly.

"Heh heh heh... hm." Web stopped under the ferocious glare coming form Hermione.

"Shut your face lover girl." Hermione snarled.

"Lover girl?" Web inquired

"Oh, hasn't HE told you then?" she asked, smirking

"Web whirled around to look-accusingly at Draco. "LOVER girl?"

"Um?" Draco said intelligently.

Web glowered.

"Well...okay, seriously?" He dropped his voice to a whisper so that the others couldn't hear what he was saying, "I haven't had a girl since fourth year."

Web suffocated a scoff by turning back to face Hermione. She thought for a moment. "So what's the plan Hermione? Anyone would think you were after Draco and not Harry!"

"Who says I'm after Harry?" she asked indignantly

Ron and Draco both burst into laughter. She silenced Ron with a slap, and tried to endure Draco's hysterical laughter, which was becoming more and more maniacal by the second, with a murderous look on her face.

Harry took one look at Hermione and blushed deeply.

"Well... why would you care?" Harry, attempting to sound gifted, failed miserably.

"Coz if Hermione's after Draco I might just get very mad."

Harry mumbled something out of the corner of his mouth that sounded like "So might I."

"I wouldn't dream of it." Hermione jeered.

"Well good." Said Web, "I'm glad that's sorted. Let's go shall we Draco?" She jumped down with a triumphant flourish, then yanked Draco's arm and pranced off grinning.

Harry stared, taking a while to work out that absolutely nothing had been sorted by this, and also that Hermione seemed to be…

"Hermione! Leave my pants where they are!"


	6. A first Qudditch Match?

"Web, I have a problem."

"No, your hair is not falling out."

"Not that! Wait! My hair is gorgeous!" To prove his point, Draco whipped out a pocket mirror and ran his fingers through his hair. "See?"

Web laughed. "I was joking, stupid. What's your problem?"

"Well…" he paused for a moment, making sure that his hair was indeed NOT falling out, "I have to go out tonight."

"And?"

"And I have a Quidditch match I'm supposed to be going to."

"I see. Do you have to go?"

Draco glared at her. "Of COURSE I have to go, silly!"

"Righto. So who's gonna play?"

"I have no idea."

Web sighed very meaningfully.

Draco ate a jelly snake.

Web sighed meaningfully again.

"Is there something wrong Web?"

"Oh… no… just…" Web trailed off dramatically.

Shrugging, Draco ate another snake.

"BUT I WANNA PLAY!" yelled Web impatiently

"Oh. Well you could have said so."

Web rolled her eyes. "Well? Can I?"

"Well… I dunno… are you good?"

"Of COURSE I'm good." Said Web irritably, "I played for my old school. What position are you?"

"Seeker."

"That's MY position! See! Let's go."

Web dragged Draco off in the direction of wherever Marcus Flint happened to be, whom she both had never met and had no idea his purpose in life.

Marcus was less than pleased when they struck up a conversation with him moments later.

"Does she know how to play?" he directed his question to Draco, still looking her up and down.

"I've played since I could walk." Web answered coolly.

"What position do you normally play?" he asked with an air of superiority.

"Seeker."

There was a moment of silence, in which Marcus almost succeeded in killing Draco with a glare.

"Marcus, what is your purpose in life?" Web asked innocently.

He ignored her. "Right." Marcus said, business like suddenly, "Draco, give her your robes."

Draco gave him a stupid, bewildered look. "Huh?"

"Your match robes idiot. No one wants a replay of last year." He rolled his eyes.

"OH! Of course. What do you mean; no one wants a replay of last year? I know quite a few people who enjoyed that match, thank you very much!"

He looked around, as if for someone to hand them to him and say "Here's your robes sir! Freshly pressed and ironed too! Just the way you like them!" in a high pitched squeaky voice.

He looked used to that kind of thing.

"Your robes are not going to evaporate out of thin air you ditz!" he added a steely edge to his voice, "Go and get them!"

Draco walked off, kicking the wall on the way in rebellion. Marcus strode across the room purposefully, while asking a stream of questions. "Do you know how to play? Wait, I've already asked that haven't I? Okay, do you know our plan? No, of course not you weren't here were you? Why didn't you ask me if you could play this game a week ago? Why are you a GIRL? Oh my god, this is ridiculous. You can't play! Oh..." he banged his head on the opposite wall uttering a moan that reminded Web of a dying hippopotamus

"Ahem." Draco announced, "Here's your... I mean my... uh... here's the robes."

"Thanks." Web said, tight-lipped. "Can't play. Hah. I'll show you."

She stormed out of the room. Draco gave Marcus a worried look. He had stopped banging his head against the wall and was now standing there rubbing his head gingerly.

"We're gonna lose, aren't we?" Marcus asked.

"NO!" snapped Web from her pose in the doorway. Her green robes enshrouded her frame completely, with the sleeves swamping her hands and the bottom of the robe pooled out behind her like the train on a wedding dress. In order to impress her more sceptical new acquaintance, she attempted to model walk into the centre of the room, and carry out a pirouette. Unfortunately, she got about half way there before tripping over and falling flat on her face.

"Yes." Said Draco, who then turned and walked from the room.

Marcus sighed resignedly. "Have you got a broom?" he asked

She nodded. "Well, hurry up then." Marcus said, "Everyone has gone onto the pitch."

They hurried out onto the playing field as Madam Hooch declared "Ready, on my whistle,"

Web and Marcus hurriedly mounted their brooms.

"2... 1..."

She blew her whistle powerfully. Both the teams pushed off the ground quickly.

Web started a lap of the field. How good it was to finally be on her broom again! She loved the wind whipping through her hair, the swiftness of her broom, the excitement of the game and the buzz of the crowd. She could barely hear the observations coming form the loudspeaker.

As she couldn't see the Snitch yet, she stopped her broom easily and lingered in midair, looking around intently for even the slightest glimpse of the Snitch. She spotted Adrian Pucey score, and saw Harry flying up near her.

Harry wasn't looking at her for once, rather around for the Snitch. She saw a bludger speeding his way, and, at the last moment, he saw it, doing a twirl in the air to avoid it, which ended with him stupidly hanging off his broom for a moment or two. This made him catch sight of Web. His facial expression changed rapidly from frustrated concentration, to surprise and finally great embarrassment as he rushed to right his broom.

She smiled, amused.

Once Harry had righted his broom he drifted up 5 or 6 metres away from her, but was now of equal height. "I didn't know you were a Seeker!" he yelled across to her, as Angelina took a bludger to the head and began spiralling to the ground.

"Neither did I!" she yelled back.

A stupid goofy smile crossed her face and she added, "Know you were!"

"Since when are you seeker for Slytherin? Dra - Malfoy usually is! Where is he?"

"I've been seeker since this afternoon because Draco had to do something at 6."

Harry swore loudly, groaned, smacked himself in the head and then looked at her as if nothing has happened.

"What's wrong?" she asked, watching another bludger whiz past.

"Nothing, nothing. Ha!" He took off down the stadium without another word. Web's eyes widened and then, wearing a determined expression, took off after him. One of the Slytherin beaters saw what was taking place and hit a bludger into Harry's path. He braked sharply and changed his direction as another bludger soared across his path. This gave Web time to catch up, and was only about a metre behind him. She could see the Snitch now and kept going straight, urging her broom to go faster. Fred Weasley tried a similar tactic to the Slytherin beater; however, Web saw it coming and zoomed up and over the bludger bearing down on her.

Web and Harry braked simultaneously. Both realised that in their vain attempts to both keep sight of the Snitch and beat each other to it that the Snitch had vanished.

Web sighed irritably. She drifted up, giving some airspace between her and the match, which was steadily becoming more and more violent. Harry did similar. She could tell he was upset over not catching the Snitch first go, which he secretly prided himself upon, but she was just as keen to beat him to the Snitch.

Web was resemblant of a wary mouse as she scanned the game for a hint of gold between the players. She caught sight of a catcher speeding off with a Quaffle and saw it. It was hovering directly beneath her, as if mocking her ignorance. In a split second she shot downwards on an almost 90 degree angle. Harry saw her go down and accelerated vengefully, glittering eyes fixated on the Snitch. However, by this time Web was an arms length away from the Snitch.

As Harry began to yell a matrix style "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she snatched it up and sped off in the direction of the teacher's stand, robes skimming the ground.

"Yes!" she exclaimed victoriously, hearing a very distinct thud behind her. She landed on the ground in the middle of the stadium and held up the Snitch, half expecting to hear that godly sound that plays in movies when people hold up important things.

The rest of the Slytherin team started flying down. Most of them had been patronizing before the match but were now trying to suck up to her, amazed at how well she could fly. As she watched the team land around her she saw the Gryffindor team flying down. Their faces were angry but also worried. As she watched intently she heard them muttering under their breath loudly, loud enough for all the players on the pitch to hear them.

"AGAIN!"

"Useless! Absolutely bloody USELESS! He's got a few screws loose, honestly!"

"If he wasn't sleeping with him… and him... and her... and me..."

"Fucking HELL! That was my best save EVER!"

Web stood on her broom and hovered up above the players surrounding her. Looking down, she saw Harry. He was lying face down; his glasses smashed a few metres away. His nose was on a very odd angle, his face was pale and his eyes were closed. At first she thought he was dead. Then she heard him groan and get to his feet assisted by Fred and George Weasley, the only ones on the team who weren't muttering expletives aimed at Harry. She tried to ignore it.

After all, it was the first time she had ridden her Firebolt, not that anyone was to know that.


	7. Tying a stiletto, and meeting new doors

At the Great Feast that night Web was very glad that the Slytherin team had warmed so quickly to her, given the fact that each and every girl in the Slytherin house was giving her death stares. At first she had pondered why there were no other girls on the Slytherin team, but it did explain why Marcus was so opposed to her going to the match. Ron and Hermione had slipped into the hall after a while, without Harry. Web assumed it was because he was in a bad way after the crash, but they both scowling, rather than looking concerned. Draco wasn't at the feast either. She wondered where he was, what he was doing, and why.

Still, he wouldn't have been able to talk to him anyway. The whole of the team kept interrupting each other to talk to her, which resulted in many scuffles breaking out amongst them. Eventually, she excused herself, much to the dismay of one of the Slytherin beaters, who was attempting to engage her in a deep and meaningful conversation about house elf eradication, involving many shotguns and shower radios. As she walked past the Gryffindor table, Ron got up from the table and joined her. She looked over to where they had been sitting. Hermione was there still, but eying her off as though she was armed and dangerous.

"Ummm...hi."

"Hi." Web's face twisted into an unbelievably condescending gaze, "It's Web."

"Oh. Ron." Ron stuck a hand out awkwardly.

"Hey. So. What?" She ignored this shabby effort at a handshake.

Ron dropped his arm to his side. "Okay... uh... where...no... Do you know where Harry is?"

"I assume he's in the hospital wing. Why would I know?"

"Well, you were playing Quidditch with him."

"And weren't you watching? You have just about the same idea as I do about his whereabouts; the only difference being you actually care."

"Grumpy!"

Web fixed him with an icy glare. "Look. I wouldn't have a clue where he is. You should probably go and find him yourself, because I really can't be bothered helping you."

Ron growled and left, mumbling to himself about Draco and Web being too similar for words.

As she felt she had handled that with the air of a true Slytherin, she couldn't help but walk with a large sway of the hips as she continued on her way to the Slytherin common room. Sweeping into the room confidently, Web was immediately stricken by the loud chatter filling it.

"Way to kill Potter!" yelled on boy loudly. He smelled strongly of beer and leant on her heavily. Web looked stunned.

"He... he's not DEAD is he?" she asked the nearest person, who happened to be Pansy.

"No, stupid," she replied coldly, her eyes so narrowed Web wondered how she could still see, "That guys drunk. Potter's disappeared, but as far as they could tell BEFORE he disappeared, otherwise fine, no thanks to you." She sniggered to her a friend behind her.

"Well thanks!" Web said sweet as sugar, "Don't you have a blow job scheduled for one of the professors about now?"

Web continued on her way through the mass of moving bodies, searching for that familiar face. Surprisingly, he was nowhere to be seen.

Web saw Crabbe and Goyle, who she had been introduced to briefly the night before, standing uneasily next to the fire, grunting to Millicent Bulstrode. She crossed the room and was ready to wait for Millicent to finish speaking; however, Millicent took on the 'I'm waiting…' pose mid-sentence that was becoming all too familiar.

"And you want?" Millicent asked, drumming her stubby fingers on her forearm.

"Plenty of things." Web answered, quickly turning to face the two boys. "Crabbe? Goyle? Do you have any idea where Draco might be?"

They both stared at her in surprise. Slowly, Goyle opened his mouth and began to speak. He seemed uncomfortable with his own voice, and so spoke slowly and cautiously.

"No... We've... been... looking...though…"

He slumped against the wall, as if this small speech had used up his intelligence quota for the day.

"K." said Web, completely and utterly dumbfounded, "I'll just go. Tell me, why is it exactly that Draco hangs out with you two?"

They blinked stupidly in unison for a few moments.

"All right." Web slipped away, stuffing her fist into her mouth to stop herself laughing. Ignoring the half-drunk, festive hugs offered to her she decided to head upstairs to find something to do.

"So you are gay?"

Web paused, staring at the door that had just asked her a rather rude question indeed. She was about to give it a mouthful of abuse when she heard an answer come from behind the door:

"… Yes."

'Everybody's downstairs, getting drunk, so what's the harm in listening in?' Web thought as she pressed her ear to the door.

"So after all these years, you finally decide?"

"It's not my fault you're so demanding!" a voice protested

"Well at least I know what I want!" argued the other voice, "You're the one asking her if she wanted you. That's not –"

"OW!" yelled Web, bashing against the door.

"Oh SORRY." Said Pansy with a flourish, "didn't SEE you there. What are you doing anyway?"

"Uh.. tying my shoe."

Web bent down and attempted to tie up her stiletto.

"Well… good… coz I don't want you… tying your shoe… down there! Yeah!" Pansy obviously felt this was self-explanatory, as she quickly headed off to the girl's dorm without another word. Web rolled her eyes, straightened and went back to listening.

"So you're saying you've NEVER fucked Pansy."

"Yes! Come on!"

There was silence. "Ok, maybe once. But I was drunk!"

"That's what I thought."

Bang. Web was, once again, introduced to the door. She swung around.

"Still tying your shoe?" Pansy asked scornfully.

"As a matter of fact… no. I am now polishing this door here. See?" Web tried to smile.

"Yeah, right. Let's just see who you're listening to."

Before Web could stop her, she had bowled her over and attempted to bang open the door.

"OW!" Pansy had been stopped by the wood Web was now so well acquainted with.

"What'd you do, lock the damn door?"

"You mean you can DO that with doors?" Web asked, now settling herself on the stairwell to watch Pansy make a fool of herself.

Pansy tried a few spells on the door, before banging on it with a beefy hand. "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOCK THESE YA KNOW!" she announced to the room.

"You're lucky." Pansy growled, before storming downstairs.

"Tell me about it." Web grumbled. She thought better of listening to the rest of what was turning out to be a quite amusing conversation, and headed up to her room to have a shower.


	8. I'll call you

"Web! Hi!" he reddened.

Web searched his face for clues.

"So what are you doing down here, in the middle of the night, straddling an armchair?"

"I'm… stretching?"

Web raised an eyebrow. "Right."

"No seriously. These quads are so tight!" He slapped a thigh for emphasis.

"I see. Well, given you've been away all night, I'm guessing you haven't packed?"

"For?"

'I must be tired,' thought Web, 'I swear his lips didn't move then.'

"How we have to go home? You know, being expelled and all?"

"Oh, right, that."

'There we go, they're moving now.' She thought, before continuing.

"Well, you should probably pack now. Coz the train leaves at 8."

"Oh… okay. Well… I'll just finish these stretches, and then I'll do that. Thanks Web!"

Web strode off to the dormitory. 'That's funny; I don't talk when I stretch.'

Web sat on her trunk, staring at the train tracks in front of her, Draco lying on the bench next to her.

"and Father has always thought he was... you know... funny..." he paused to inspect a nail he had just filed disdainfully, "yeah, so... just WAIT til I tell him what Filch said!" he shuddered "Filthy man. Positively filthy. I suppose father will have him fired..."

Web smiled to herself as she contemplated exactly how long it would be until he actually asked her opinion. Funnily enough, he stopped talking and stared at her.

"He's a Squib you know."

Draco rapidly gained a perplexed look as Web laughed at him. The train pulled into the station and Web began tugging her trunk onto the train. Draco didn't move. Web mouthed 'move' to him, as she placed her trunk in the nearest compartment. Draco moaned feebly and very pitifully limped towards her with his trunk, which was slowing him down to a snails pace. He gave her an embarrassed look as she seized his trunk and more or less threw it into the same compartment as her trunk was in.

"So. Much to do on the train?"

"No. Not really." Draco studied his nails with a detached interest, "I need a manicure."

The train trip passed relatively quickly. They piled out of the train, Web carrying both trunks and Draco following; now applying what he swore was not clear nail polish to his fingernails.

"Well, cya." Draco said

"Yeah, ummm... how are we going to talk?"

Draco groaned, and then said, "Uh... well... do you have an owl?"

"No."

"Shit. I mean, oh darn. Okay, I'll send you an owl."

"Okay." agreed Web, doubting the likelihood of Draco's statement, as it sounded so much like "I'll call you."


	9. Tap, Tap, Tap

Tap, Tap, Tap

Web rubbed her eyes sleepily.

Tap, Tap, Tap

She frowned.

Tap, Tap, Tap

"SHUT UP JOANNE!" she yelled, banging her fists on the wall behind her.

Tap, Tap, TAP!

"Bloody hell!" Web cursed, getting up. She went to go strangle her sister but a flurry of movement beside her window caught her eye.

She looked over. There was a bam owl fluttering near her window, tapping on the glass with its beak, which was clamped tightly on an envelope.

"Hmm." Said Web, crossing the room. She opened the window and undid the latch hastily. The owl flapped in thankfully and perched itself on her dressing table, glaring at the family's pet cat, Cloud, who skulked in and upon sight of the owl moon-walked out of the room.

"Wow, I didn't know cats could do that." Said Web to the owl, bending down and scooping up the letter the owl had dropped on the carpet.

She unrolled the parchment to reveal small, neat handwriting sweeping over the page. She smiled to herself as she read under her breath.

'Web, How are you. I am well,'

As Web added "as always"

'I have spoken to mother and father, and they have FINALLY agreed to your visit. Please reply as soon as possible as I would like to plan something for us to do when you arrive.

Draco Malfoy'

Web snorted. "Have you ever heard of abbreviations?"

The owl scowled at her.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, answer as soon as possible, all right, all right. Maybe I could answer easier if I wasn't SLEEP DEPRAVED!"

The owl made no reply, not surprisingly.

"Fine." Web hissed

She whipped open a drawer on her desk and took out a rather shabbily rolled up piece of parchment and a quill that had cat tooth marks in it.

"Shuddap." She said to the owl that had made a sort of scoffing noise at the arrival of her 'stationary'.

'Draco.' she sucked the end of the quill, absent-mindedly, realised what she was doing and slapped herself harshly across the face.

This time the owl laughed heartily.

"Aargh!" yelled Web, leaping a foot in the air. The owl spread its wings in a sort of "What?" gesture.

"Okay, got to focus, got to focus. Okay. SHIBBY! Shut up Web. Okay."

'Great news your dooms bringer of death brings. Of course, this is your owl I am talking about, he just looks a lot like a dooms bringer of death because it is approximately three in the morning and I am very tired. I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP! Anyway, I will have a chat to mum and dad and see what they say. Do you mind being called Harry?'

The owl, which had been reading what she was writing, pecked her on the hand and ruffled its feathers indignantly.

"Ow!" exclaimed Web, sucking the wound.

She could've sworn she heard the owl say "Oh, poor baby" in a very scandalled voice.

'Your owl just PECKED me, for reasons unknown! How RUDE! Anyway, please send me a reply ASAP. Web'

Web re-read her letter, then added 'PS, ASAP means as soon as possible'

"All right." Web said, sucking the end of her quill.

"CRAP!" she yelled, throwing the quill out the window.

She heard a muffled "Ow!"

She folded the letter and put it carefully into an envelope. She gave the owl a warning look, and then kissed the envelope shut. It scowled at her again. She poked her tongue out at it, and then offered the envelope to it. It took it gingerly with one talon then took off through the open window.

"What the!" came a cry from down below.

"I'm not in luuurve," sang Web, both terribly and loudly. "It's just a phase that I'm g-oh my GOD!" She dropped the toast she had just taken out of the toaster on to her plate and quickly unlatched the kitchen window.

"You again?" she demanded of the bedraggled owl who landed on the kitchen counter and began savaging her toast in reply. An envelope started floating down to the tiled floor of the kitchen, obviously having been dropped hastily as the owl flew in. She scooped it up almost greedily and tore open the envelope loudly.

'Web, I am glad you are glad.'

Web imagined the pale boy going cross eyed at this obvious lack of grammar and... stuff.

'Please talk to your parents... ASAP... did I spell that right?'

Web laughed energetically, which brought a sort of 'how in god's name can you have that much energy in the goddamn morning?' glare from her little sister, Joanne, who was trudging across the tiles in pyjamas that were too big, completely ignoring the fact there was an owl on the bench top eating toast with a knife and fork, gnomes in the corner dancing to the radio, and the dishes washing themselves in the sink. Web gave her a 'shut up, do you know that your hair is all messy?' glare and turned back to the letter as Joanne screamed and ran upstairs.

'If it is okay, my parents will be at your house about 11 on the 15th. If it isn't put a large popcorn donkey outside your house and they will proceed to Diagon Alley where they need to go anyway to'

"Why is 'get me a present because I am such a good boy' crossed out?" Web asked of the owl.

'Get some things, and I will hopefully see you soon. By the way, I am sorry the owl pecked you, I really can't think of why he would do that. I guess he really does look like a dooms bringer of death in the morning, but not compared to father in a foul mood. And, by the way, you don't need beauty sleep. Draco Malfoy. Postscript: Why would I mind being called Harry?'

"Oh god! B-T-W! B-T-W! P-S AND B-T-W! DRACO YOU NEED A MOBILE! And HOW am I going to ask them about him?"

Web's dad worked in the Ministry of Magic and very well knew about Lucius'... ahem... activities.

The owl stared at Web reproachfully. "Shut your face owl. You stole my toast."

It went back to tearing at the toast, spraying crumbs everywhere.

Web rolled her eyes and ran upstairs. She went back to the same drawer and took out another piece of crudely folded parchment and a new quill.

On her way out she noticed some garden gnomes dancing like the Backstreet Boys to Outkasts 'I Like The Way You Move' She muttered something about ruining good music when she caught sight of the quill.

"Lets see what he thinks of this!" she exclaimed victoriously, seizing the quill and parchment and charging downstairs to where the owl was.

"What cha think of THIS!" she said, shoving the quill in the owls face. Its eyes widened and it fell backwards in surprise.

"Ooops." Said Web, carefully stepping over to the owl and picking it up. She laid it gently on the counter where it lay frozen with shock.

"Okies." Said Web. She took care not to put the quill in her mouth (she was breaking the habit, you see) and began writing.

'Draco. I really have no idea where to get a large popcorn donkey but do know where to get a large popcorn sloth. Would you mind if this was different? Anyways, I really want'

Web had almost written 'you' but stopped, aghast at herself, 'to see you. Web, one who does, contrary to popular opinion, need beauty sleep.'

She folded the envelope carefully, took an envelope out of thin air and put it in. She kissed it just to spite the owl and handed it to it. It flew out the window clutching the envelope in one talon and the remains of Web's toast in its beak.

"Bye then." Web said.


	10. Aah, the wonders of parents

Web pulled a thick green book out of a pine bookshelf that was no higher than her mother's beehive hairdo. On the front, in bold gold capitals, was the title 'Quidditch Techniques of the Woolongong Warriors'.

"Hmm." She said, opening it to the middle. Inside was a moving, coloured diagram showing a move much similar to the one she had pulled off in the Quidditch match she had recently participated.

"Been there, done that," she said cockily. Gulping, she peered over the top of her book. Her mother was looking at a bookshelf full of "The Full History of the Chudley Cannons" books that were still in their special plastic covers that books are packed in while shipping.

'Mum?" she squeaked, hiding behind her book

"Yes."

Her mum turned around, pursing her lips. She recognised that tone as much as Web didn't want to believe it.

"Would you mind if I visited a friend over the holidays?"

"You mean the time you are suspended?"

"Ummm, yes."

"I don't know, ask your father."

Web lowered her book with a frown on her face. She walked off twittering under her breath "ask you father, ask your father! Can't she make a decision herself once in a while? Gee-eez!"

Her father was standing in front a display case full of different types of beater's bats.

"Da-a-ad?" she asked, suddenly becoming interested in the welfare of a dragonfly head-butting the glass window near them.

"Yes Web?"

Her dad also recognised this 'I-am-almost-grovelling-so-please-oh-please-oh-please-let-me-get-away-with-this' voice.

"Would you mind if I visited a friend over the holidays?"

"You mean the time you are suspended?"

"Ummm, yes."

"I don't know, ask your mother."

Web clenched her fists and breathed in. "I did."

"Oh." He whispered 'fuck' under his breath. "Right. Who?"

"Umm... well... uh... this person I know from school?"

"Who Web? I am not going to be letting you go waltzing off to some place for god knows what length of time with who knows what!"

"OKAY, Okay!" Web said over the top of his next words. She buried her chin her chest and mumbled quietly, "Draco."

"Who?"

Web kept her chin buried in her chest but repeated the name slightly louder than before.

"Huh? You mean that rat-faced son of LUCIUS!"

The person at the counter snapped their head around at his words and hissed, "SHUSH!"

Web and her father turned at the exact same time and fixed him with equally as intimidating glares. He went back to his catalogue after making a sort of squeaking sound.

"Dad!"

"Well, it's true."

"What, that he's his son or that he's rat-faced."

"Both."

"DAD!"

He shrugged his shoulders, much like Draco's owl.

"Can I? Please Dad?"

Her dad frowned. "When?"

"The 15th?"

"That's TOMMORROW Web!"

"Oh is it?"

This sudden relapse of dumb blonde-ness didn't improve her father's mood much.

"So you've already organised this."

"No."

"Then why do you have a date in mind?"

"Well, Draco asked if I could go that date."

"Oh, so he's controlling you?"

Web rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "No. he just suggested a date Dad."

This attitude wasn't getting her anywhere either, but it made Web feel better.

Apparently, this is what Web's dad was thinking. "Don't you start that with me young lady,"

Web cringed in anticipation.

"AFTER ALL I HAVE DONE FOR YOU; YOU STAND THERE WITH YOUR SPOILED LITTLE ATTITUDE LIKE YOU DON'T APPRECIATE ALL THE HOURS I PUT IN AT WORK! LIKE YOU DON'T APPRECIATE THE SACRIFICE YOU MOTHER AND I HAVE MADE FOR YOU!"

Web recovered her hands from over her ears.

"I do fucking appreciate everything fucking you and fucking mum have fucking done! I do! I just don't fucking like the fucking way you fucking make fucking assumptions about me! Fucking, fucking, FUCKING!"

"Don't you use that tone young lady." He said, glaring back at a woman who had been angrily staring at them.

'Time for a change of attitude.' Web thought, increasing the span of her pupils so that she resembled some sort of deer.

"I'm sorry Daddy, I just don't think sometimes. I know you work long and hard for me to get all the things I have and I really do appreciate all the sacrifices you and mum have made for me. I am very sorry; whatever can I do to make you understand I am sorry?" She fluttered her eyelashes, before pinching her arm so that tears welled up in her eyes.

Web knew her father's attacks on her off by heart. He had only one, it was always yelled, and always caused large gobs of spit to land on her face. Therefore Web practiced this little ditty, which she knew would please her father to no end.

Her father contracted this very scary looking self-satisfied smile.

"Well, I'm glad you realise this. Why do you have to see him?"

Her father put an awful amount of stress on him, as if he was talking about something really awful.

"Because," Web resisted the temptation to shout, "I love him!" like those girly girls in those soppy seventies romance movies.

"He's my,"

Resisting temptation again...

"Friend."

"Oh. Well, I can't see why you can't make friends with people like... I don't know... well... respectable people."

He suddenly developed a bad cough and wheezed something that sounded a lot like 'Harry Potter'

"Dad! He is respectable. He's nice and caring and a little bit mental but he's civilized!"

Her father's eyebrows went up at the mention of mental. Web tried hard not to say anything about his looks or all hope was lost.

"Mental?" His tone was indecisive yet slightly condescending.

"Joke!" A smile spread across her face from ear to ear, revealing clean, sparkly pearly whites.

He frowned. "Well, I'll think about it. How much time will you be in the vicinity of that man."

"I don't know. On the way there I think."

"How long?"

"I don't know, wouldn't you be the one to know where they live?"

"Don't push it Web, I can still say no you know."

"Sorry."


	11. Potpan? Spoonwood? Voleman?

"Did he say when they would be here?" Web's mother asked

"Nah." Web looked up from the TV, quickly stuffing the empty moon sugar wrapper under the lounge, "I mean… umm… around 11 think." (Lady Fuschia, you're my hero!)

"You think? That's 2 hours away Web! Why did you have to be ready so early?"

"I didn't. I just wanted to watch cartoonies before they got here." Web said enthusiastically, bouncing up onto the white lounge and crossing her legs. Web's mum shook her head and began leaving the room.

"Hey mum!" Web called. It was a commercial break.

"Yeah?"

"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?"

"Huh?" asked her mum, walking into the room again.

"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?" she repeated patiently, holding back a grin.

"Testicle... OH WEB!"

Web burst into hysterics as her mother left the room shaking her head.

Her father came in and lifted her off the mat she had been rolling around on while shaking with laughter. "Web?"

Web nodded, grinning hugely and tears streaming down her face.

"Did they say how they were getting here?" he asked, knowing in his heart of hearts that his daughter was not on drugs of any sort, shape or form.

Web shook her head, grinning hugely and tears streaming down her face.

"Well, I hope that they aren't using Floo powder."

Web's eyes widened, her grin fading quickly and the tears stopped. After a moment, "Sure you do." Web mocked.

"Yes I do!" her father said quickly, ignoring her look and gazing untiringly out the window. There was a knock on the door.

"That'll be them!" he said, way too happily to be serious and skipping to the door. He paused, and then opened it slowly.

"Lucius." He said, cold as steel.

"Hello Potpan." Lucius said, not thanking him for holding the door open as he strutted into the room. Another woman followed him in uncertainly. When he sat down, she did. When he moved, she moved. When he opened his mouth to speak, she cowered as if he was going to hit her. Which, he probably would if they were at home. Or at least, so Web thought.

"So. Are you Web?" he asked, looking Web directly in the face.

"Uhuh." She said, noticing his eyes travelling slowly down her body. She got up quickly. "Uh." She wasn't actually quite sure what she was going to do once got up, but she HAD to get up.

"I'll um... go and get my things... heh heh." She dashed out of the room, up the stairs and into her room. It was slightly absent of most things, including the second floor of clothes.

She grabbed a trunk covered in pink glitter; scuff marks and holes that seemed to have been made from a foot flying angrily through the polished wood.

She attempted to do a lift similar to those weightlifters she had seen on TV. However, she staggered under the tremendous weight of it and crashed backwards into the wall. Bang! The wall fell down under her weight, which had approached the same weight as a baby elephant under all her clothes (although most were so skimpy you wouldn't have thought they weighed anything), and she ended up sprawling on the carpeted floor of her mum and dad's Jacuzzi room. There was an assortment of ghouls having fun in the tub as she got up. They yelled at her irritably.

"Sorry…" she said.

"Uh?"

"Speak English?"

"Nein."

"Um." Web got up and backed out the door quickly. She shut it, rubbed the swelling lump on her head and walked to the wall. She grabbed her trunk and kicked another hole in it. Hopping around the room and cursing loudly, she decided to attempt to fix the wall. Many rolls of Sellotape and Lycra later, she walked downstairs with a triumphant look on her plaster-covered face. Spoonwood, her mother, was talking to Lucius about what sounded to Web like super wool quilts that can kill beastly and bothersome cockroaches.

"Web," began Potpan, "Why do you have plaster all over your face and why are your pants also covered in afore-mentioned filth?"

"Well, it all began with a penguin and a mushroom shaped child. They went to a hardware store to buy a pineapple but found they had left their chicken buying license in the middle of a large prawn."

"All right, are you people done? I have tea with vol..man in a few hours."

"Who's vole-man?" questioned Spoonwood.

"None of your business mudblood lover!" screamed Lucius

"WHAT?" thundered Potpan

"Never do business with muddled up lava?" Lucius offered, a crooked halo appearing conveniently on his silver blonde head.

"Hmm." Said Spoonwood unhappily.

"Would anyone like a waffle?" asked Web. The other people in the room ignored her question.

"Are we going?" Narcissa piped up from the lounge. Lucius swept around to glance at her, glared, then kept glaring as he turned to look at Web. "Well?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess!" Web said happily, ignoring the hugs offered to her by her parents and skipping to the door, now holding her trunk like it was the basket Dorothy held in The Wizard of Oz.

Potpan and Spoonwood sighed exasperatedly in unison, watching her leave. The matching black silk cloaks of Narcissa and Lucius sweeping out behind her quickly completely ruined her drugged-up-and-staggenng exit.

Lucius and Narcissa followed, screaming at their cloaks to "come back before you are blown into a bazillion smoking pieces all over England!"

Web came to a halt just outside the door. In front of her was a long black stretch limo with huge white wings. She clapped a hand to her mouth and squealed.

"Yes, we're going in that." Said Lucius, putting a hand on her shoulder and looking out at the limo proudly.

"I FORGOT MY MOBILE!" screamed Web, completely and utterly ignoring Lucius' pompous remark. A few horrified scream filled moments later, Web arrived at the door, clutching a brick that could hardly be called a mobile.

"Do you have power points?" she questioned, holding up a short stubby lead.

Lucius and Narcissa scoffed in unison, resulting in a sound that was much like an escaped bush pig with rabies proposing to a kangaroo. _(I swear I'm not using drugs, but that did indeed come out of my imagination. Just imagine it! HAHA! The priest could be a koala.)_

She pushed in front of them, saw the limo and fell into a half-faint. Lucius, by reflex, caught her before she hit the ground in front of his Draco-spit-polished shoes. Narcissa stopped herself bellowing like a gargoyle who had come alive and wanted revenge on pigeons worldwide and attacking Web, but rather fished the keys to the car out of Lucius' pockets with great ease, considering he was doubled over wheezing (he hadn't had that much physical activity for a long time), unlocked it and settled herself inside like lady muck. Web took one look at Lucius, whose face was steadily becoming redder, and fled to the limo, flung open the door and threw herself in. She skidded along the leather seat and crashed into the car phone.

"Oops." She said, as it was lobbed out the open window and clattered to the driveway outside with an explosion noise. Narcissa stuck her head around the seat like a snake, hissed at her (revealing pointy cat teeth) and clawed at her hair (with cat claws!) Web beat her away and sat there staring at her until Lucius joined them. He was grasping at a stitch at his side, and let out a microscopic moan of pain as he sidled into the driver's seat and started the engine with his wand.

"For heavens sake!" snapped Narcissa, handing him the key, "What are you going to do if the law enforcement officers pull us over?"

Web's correction of "they're called police" was ignored.

"Kill them?" suggested Lucius

"NO!" roared Narcissa, her face splitting into a harpy-like evil grin, "You will show them your licence. And what will you say if they ask why our car is running without a KEY in there?"

Webs correction of "I don't think they'll be asking about a missing friggin' key considering you have friggin' wings on your friggin' car" was also ignored.

"Kill them." said Lucius carefully, a look of recognition dawning over his face slowly as he brandished his wand in what he must have thought was a threatening manner.

"No," Narcissa growled, "You do not kill them, you do not get into that situation, okay."

"Okay... and then we kill them!" Lucius sounded like a very small child being taught how to say 'cat'.

"NO!" screamed Narcissa, provoked by his idiocy. She appeared to Web like Cruella de Ville in the Disney version of 101 Dalmatians.

"Testing wacko planet! Come in wacko planet! 1,2,3, wacko planet you're on the air!" said Web like a radio announcer from the back seat. They both turned to stare at her.

"Now I have your attention, would you care to know there is a man made of dough rolling steadily towards you?" Web said simply.

"No, we would not." said Narcissa, in the tone similar that the incredibly stupid bad guys on Disney movies that they take on when making a decision which always causes them to get caught out in rather embarrassing ways, such as Cruella de Ville in the not animated version of 101 Dalmatians (or 102 Dalmatians, take your pick).

"Now, where were we?" asked Narcissa, who was somewhat distantly related to the infamous Cruella de Ville.


	12. A very goodlooking limo

"You were going to tell me to start driving to our house now." Said Web, doing a very good impression of Lucius' voice, as he stared blankly at her with his lips not moving at all.

"Oh, well, carry on then." She began waiting for half an hour for Lucius to speak.

"What do I do?" asked Lucius. Narcissa slapped her thigh in irritation. "Put the key in the ignition."

Lucius did so.

"DRIVE YOU FOOL!"

Lucius stomped on the accelerator and they sped off, Web screaming and crying out for special bubble baths and fine glass chandeliers.

After Web's knuckles had turned a sickening shade of white as she hung onto the seat for dear life, they had run red lights, been involved in police chases, drug dealt in dark alleyways, lost their direction, refused to ask for directions and stopped for approximately ten toilet breaks, they were there in twenty minutes.

Lucius placed a finely crafted Italian shoe on the brake as they almost shot past the house. He pulled into the driveway. In front of them were black gates, with the Malfoy crest showing on both the gates that pulled away from each other majestically, allowing them entrance to the grounds. The wheels crunched slowly over pure white gravel. On either side of the gravel driveway was delicately cut green grass. There was a sprinkling of perfectly trimmed trees on the lawn, and peacocks tiptoed around the trees. As they drove up to the house, Web noticed a large stone fountain to the driver's side, the front door on Narcissa and Web's side. The front door was large, towering and black with old antique looking brass handles. As Web started to get out of the car the door opened. Draco ran out in slow motion, his blonde hair flying out behind him as he ran to greet them. He bent down, lifted her out of the car, and twirled her around with ease as he started to kiss her... "HEY!" Lucius slapped Web awake, with surprising strength, "Wake up, we're not your attendants!"

Web clapped her hand to her cheek and rubbed it gingerly. "God, you coulda just shook me awake!"

Lucius shrugged, turned and began walking up to the house. Web got out of the car and blinked in the unexpected sunshine. Having fallen asleep due to the high amount of drugs swimming around in her bloodstream she was half expecting it to be dark night. Narcissa was striding purposefully up to the house, a key dangling from her hand. Web looked to the boot of the car, which was wide open.

"Well, we certainly don't need to worry about burglary here now do we?" Web said scathingly, walking to her trunk and dragging it to the front steps. 'As a matter of fact...' she thought as she looked around and almost dropped her trunk on her foot. The walls of the grounds were about 5 metres high, made of rugged stone bricks topped with steel rusting spikes. Nothing could be seen of the surroundings, but there was plenty of bare land as far as she could see. There was one tree up near the house, soaring and intimidating. It was almost black, and the branches were studded with curling leaves. The house looked like one of the old crumbling mansions in horror movies, however before aforesaid houses had fallen into disrepair. It was made of wood boards that were spotless with a dark and ominous look to them. There was one window close to the ground. It had one single web in the comer of the window. This web took up a tiny part of the window, and for a strange and indefinite reason spread up to the right comer of the house like the window and the corresponding side of the house were an elaborate half-mask. There was a small veranda, the contents of which Web could not see because it was completely fenced by large grey stone slabs. The one thing Web could see was a black door. It had a thick metallic silver outline, and a silver door handle, which was large and intricate. Web could see dark carvings in the door handle, but the design was so small that from where she was standing she could not make out what they were. It seemed the whole house was still in night while the world was in day.

Web looked up at the remaining three stories. The second was exactly the same colours and style as the first, but the third storey...

The third storey was entirely different to the rest of the house, and utterly out of the ordinary. While the first two stories seemed to follow a gothic style, the third seemed as if a pack of crazed clowns had come in and played Renovation Rescue. The wallpaper was hot pink with...

"What the HELL?" exclaimed Web.

From what she could make out, on all the edges, the drainpipes were made of pink fake for with big purple dots. The windows were submarine windows, however, the windowpane was pink stained glass.

Narcissa chose at that time to whistle from the doorway. "Wakey wakey... Web..."

Web shook her head and picked up her trunk, grudgingly following Narcissa, who walked like a demented model with a rod jammed up her arse.

"That's the living room," Narcissa said in her high-pitched whiney donkey voice. She pointed to a sunken lounge with perfect cream carpet. The walls were a light beige colour. There was a TV that stretched all along the far wall. Lucius sat in a long burgundy colour modular lounge that sat right in front of that TV. His hair was tied up into a pink bow. On the floor were many assorted cushions of different pattern and colour. These cushions fitted with the colour scheme in the room, and Web could tell that the cushions didn't belong on the floor. (They lived in the closet and were watching their favourite show.)

Web gaped at the huge TV, which, as Web could hear, had surround sound (coz we can all tell that kind of thing just so easily). It was showing the national ice skating championships and as Web watched in awe, Lucius burst out; "What! They beat you! Why didn't you blast them!" he screamed frenziedly, brandishing his wand in protest.

Just for fun, Narcissa took a small anvil from her pocket and lobbed it at his head. It struck him on his right temple and he fell to the floor.

The pillows screamed and arranged themselves in an attractive manner upon the opposite white lounge.

Narcissa shook her head.

Behind the lounge was a step up into a dining room. The dining room was also on cream carpet, and inside it was surprisingly empty. In the dining room was a large oak table with huge chairs that Web figured would make even a giant seem like a small child. Seeing the chair at the head of the table that was exactly the same as all the others, excepting it had a small stepladder to the hidden side and a huge puffy cushion on it, Web thought that this was most probably the point. To the far right hand side of the dining room was an open plan kitchen. It was brimming with many house elves hurrying to and fro. They prepared elaborate meals as Web and Narcissa watched. Further on from the dining room was a glass sliding door. It looked out on to a huge backyard. Every now and again Web spotted a strutting peacock dart from one tree to another, and even a wolf lay on the snow marvellously. A snowy owl sat hooting in one pine tree that, at one point, had a snowball thrown at it. Web watched the startled owl glare down at the wolf, which was still sleeping, but had a suspicious amount of fresh snow on one paw.

"Hey!" said Web, bewildered, "Why is there SNOW outside? It was sunny outside like a minute ago!" She spun to look at Narcissa accusingly.

To the right of the door was a large elaborate painting of what appeared to be Draco in tight fitting clothes that left nothing to the imagination. It was framed by a detailed gold frame that Web had a sneaking feeling was real gold.

To the right of that was a staircase, which had the traditional cream carpeting. The rail was the same wood as the dining table in the room. Next to that, on the wall, was a blonde figure in a pink tutu and ballet slippers that laced up halfway up said person's legs.

Narcissa shrugged, "Come on." She said, starting up the stairs


	13. What a guest room!

Web followed Narcissa to the top, taking a quick look around. There was a bathroom on their immediate left. It had blue tiles and a huge spa bath. Fluffy cream towels hung on the towel racks.

"Towel racks!" exclaimed Web.

"For towels." Narcissa stated, considering how likely she could have 'MENTAL' tattoed across her forehead.

"What a novel idea!" announced Web, skipping over to inspect herself in the medium sized mirror above the clean porcelain sink. Web looked across the stairs and stared into a bedroom. She could see a bay window with a red love seat in it. The curtains were a fine cream lace that blew gently in the breeze.

"And now it's breezy'" Web muttered contemptuously to herself.

As they passed she peered around the door and into the room. The bed was a huge double king size bed (yes, it exists.) with a big plump quilt which was black with one single grey pinstripe running slightly to the left.

"Somebody's nosey." Said Narcissa edgily

Web snapped to attention- almost saluting but refraining just in time.

"Will you hurry up?" Narcissa snapped, starting up the stairs.

The stairs were lime green shagpile carpet. The railing was an orange that was probably the only orange in the whole entire universe that didn't clash with the carpet. Web placed her hand on it. It felt like jelly, and snatching her hand away to inspect it, she found it had an orange tinge that faded away after a few moments.

Web raised her eyebrows and with a slightly worried expression momentarily crossing her face, she grabbed her trunk and began hoisting it up the stairs. After five steps, Web came to a halt behind Narcissa, who was standing in front of a red door. It had another submarine window, though this one was pleasantly not stained pink. This one was a faint stain of blue and looked astonishingly like the one in the Big Brother Diary room. (kill the show, all of you. hypnotises)

"All right, you can go on ahead from here. Draco's might be surprised to see you; we didn't think we'd be getting home so early. There's another guest bedroom for you to sleep in but he can show you it. Um... a house-elf will come and tell you when dinner is ready." Narcissa's lips formed the words good luck but she didn't actually say them as she trotted down the stairs.

Web smiled despite herself, and, taking a deep breath, opened the door.

She looked out at a purple wall. The green shagpile continued as far as Web could see. On the far wall to her right was a suit of armour, although was poised in a pirouette and was wearing a pink tutu. On the far wall to her left was a window. Interestingly, you could see a clear sky with two complete fluffy clouds, the sun and a perfect rainbow through this window. Below the window was a cream vase with roses in it. The first door was shut, painted cream decorated with a red love heart. The second door was beaded and Web could partially see into it. It had a large screen TV in there and was showing repeats of Yoga classes. There were mats on the floor that looked used, and the back wall was covered in pictures of Mariah Carey. Hooked up to the TV was a big, important looking karaoke machine. The door Web could see almost directly in front of her was shut tight, but was a black door and had a decorative silver splash across it. The next door was wide open, revealing a huge walk-in-robe. Three walls of this walk-in-robe were black robes of various types, and the other wall was full of insanely colourful clothes that Web would've been quite scared to see anybody in them. The last door was shut tightly.

Web shut the door behind her and looked around mistrustfully. Seeing nobody come to greet her she ran to the first door. She flung it open. Inside were masses of stuffed toys on fluffy cream carpet. There were cream towels hanging on towel racks ("What's wrong with these people?") that were even fluffier than the ones Web had seen downstairs. In the middle of the room was a love heart-shaped cream spa bath and directly behind it, was a mirror that made up the back wall. Web adjusted her hair, pouted, did a model walk (treading on several stuffed bunnies in the process) then slapped herself out of it and tossed her trunk down. She dashed over, shut the door, then threw open the lid of her trunk. She began the search for the skimpiest mini and deepest cut top she had packed.

She settled on a mini made of delicate black material that was approximately 2cm long. Her top was a very low cut, deep red top. It had all cuts in the back, showing off some skin in a not-so-subtle way. Her top was cut in a V-shape that opened out as it continued all the way down to her belly button. She threw out her highest black stilettos (which were about 5 inches high), making her legs look longer and sexier, and a pure silver choker. She brushed her hair to perfection, and did a few struts for the stuffed toys before leaving the room.

Web walked past the room with the beaded door; there was no one in there. She continued on past the black and silver door, wanting to see what was in the room with the plain door. She threw open the door and stared in shock. The room was completely bare, with a rickety fold up bed in the comer. There was a small window near the small chest of drawers.

Web crinkled her nose in disgust. She walked in. "'So this is the guest bedroom! How WONDERFUL!" she said cantankerously, "This is the glorious, out of this world, magnificent, breathtaking bedroom I am going to stay in! Humph!" She closed her eyes and flopped down on the bed. A spring poked into her back.


	14. A first kiss!

She imagined a large waterbed covered with a beige quilt. It had a large pink Pikachu on it. "Mmmm." Said Web in appreciation.

On the lamp table next to it was a lamp depicting her favourite "move". To the right of the table was a tank filled with piranhas and small crocodiles. There were also assorted contraception devices. On the left was a full-length painting of her looking very... sexy. Beneath that, on the floor, was a large royal looking bong filled with some sort of overpriced under-quality drug that was actually filling the room with the fumes.

"God, I wish!" said Web, waking herself out of her daydream.

"Aargh!" Web scrambled up onto the quilt. Pikachu's grinning face was splayed over the quilt in –between her legs.

"What the!" The room was the exact vision she had had in her little daydream. "Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay." Said Web slowly. She flung open the mirrored sliding door of her walk-in-robe and found that all her clothes were there, plus many more she had wanted for a while but never gotten.

"All-righty... I like this!" said Web, suddenly feeling like a deity of some sort.

Or maybe it was just the fumes. Still. Web swaggered out onto the carpet.

If Draco was where his parents assumed he was, he would be in the room behind the black and silver door.

'DUN DUN DUN!'

"Shut up." Said Web to the owl.

"Well." Said the owl, flying into a wall.

Web walked carefully, making sure as to not trip on the carpet and fall like an undignified little skanky ho in stilettos until she reached the door. Feeling a sense of foreboding, she checked her mini. No, it was fine. It was not tucked into her G-banger, which was probably showing anyway.

"Ok." Web said reassuringly to herself. She rested her hand on the doorknob; breathing softly and gradually turned the doorknob open.

'Please don't be naked, please don't be naked,' Web begged silently, her eyes closed. She opened her eyes slowly, her hand still resting on the doorknob.

Draco looked deep into Harry's eyes. They were closed and his mouth was puckered in an unexperienced sort of 'kiss me before I faint' position. Draco kissed him. Harry opened his eyes halfway through in surprise. They then kissed again, this time more passionately and for longer. As they pashed Harry's hand slid slowly up Draco's skin-tight white shirt.

"Oh my GOD!" exclaimed Web, still watching in the doorway.

Draco and Harry broke apart quickly, and took in the scene. Web was standing in the doorway looking like an underage prostitute stuck in a high-pitched scream.

Draco ran to her. "Web! I... what are you doing here?"

Web stopped screaming, looked at him, then at Harry, back to him and started screaming again.

Draco clapped a hand over Web's mouth. "Stop now ok? Let me explain."

Web stopped screaming abruptly.

'Ha! Let him explain this!' Web thought triumphantly to herself. Then, as an afterthought... 'AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'

Draco swept Web into his room and slammed the door shut. He gave Harry a 'look' and swung his golden hair back with a stereotypical 'ah, bliss. I kissed HIM' expression on his face. He sat on the edge of his bed and considered Web for a moment or two.

Web's hands flew to her hips.

"WHAT?" she demanded moodily, regretting the skimpy, skankiness of her mini. Harry was ogling her unashamedly.

Draco licked his lips and Web had an uneasy feeling it wasn't directed at her.

"Okay, so I said I'd explain. Well, you see..." He had a nervous look on his face.

Web fixed him with an unhappy glare, one resemblant of someone who has been taken for a ride and has just found out about it. Probably because she was that person.

"Um... well...I'm taken."

"Yes, and if you don't mind!" Harry said in a high voice. He trotted over to Draco, sat next to him and put his arm around him.

Draco slapped his hand and shrugged him away.

"Don't!" he said in a stage whisper, "Can't you see I'm upset?"

Harry shifted uncomfortably, returning his arm to his side and staring pointedly at a painting on Draco's black wall. Draco looked at Web with a ridiculing look on his face. "Men!" he said sulkily.

Web moaned, rolling her eyes to the heavens. "You're… gay!"

"Bi, honey. Harry's gay."

"Oh." Said Web, like this explained everything.

Moments later, "So, what, I guess you're dumping me then?" Web questioned miserably, getting up and walking over to Draco's dresser, which had various photos of Harry playing Quidditch on it.

Draco bit his lip. "Well, I, I just can't see you doing it for me sweetie. I mean, it was good, but... well, it wasn't great. Harry, on the other hand, well, he..."

Harry grinned mischievously. "Hee hee." He said

Draco spread his arms awkwardly. "Hug?" he offered.

Web crinkled her nose in disgust. She modified her stance and stared him down until he dropped his arms and looked humiliated.

"So how long exactly has this been going on?" she demanded, placing her hands on her hips.

"Uhh… just the past… 2 weeks."

"But… that means… you… cheated on me!"

"I… well… yes, that's true." He nodded thoughtfully, went to say something else but Web cut him off.

"AND I SUPPOSE you expect me to shut my trap about this whole thing and go about imagining I didn't see this and that nothing ever happened. When were you planning on telling me? What, was I your little cover up? You told me you didn't have any one since fourth year! You liar!"

"I was going to tell you... but," Draco said slowly, "Hey! I never said I didn't have anyone! I said I didn't have a girl! It was your fault you chose to take that as no partners." At that he squeezed Harry's thigh reassuringly.

Harry beamed and Draco added "And it would be good if you shut up about this whole affair. You see, if Draco's father was to find out about this he might kinda kill us both slowly and painfully or just torture us..."

"Yes, he doesn't take well to gays," said Harry loudly, as Lucius walked through the door carrying steaming cups of tea.


	15. How about some tea?

Lucius bellowed, and Web stomped her foot loudly, as if to say, "Ha, you're really gonna get it now!"

Draco, upon sight of him, screamed and hid behind Harry. Lucius dropped the tray of tea, spilling a large amount over Web's skirt, shrinking it 1cm shorter, and chased Harry around the room in a comical fashion. Draco threw an anvil at his head, which only flew through the air for 3mm and landed on his foot. However, the cry from Draco got Lucius' attention, and he began chasing Draco around the room. He finally caught him, trapped in between to large sunflowers in mosaic pots, and proceeded to strangle him. Harry lunged at him, grabbed him around the neck and shoved his wand up his nose.

Lucius gave another great bellow and fell to the floor on his back. He shook and stuck all four limbs up in the air.

"Oh, very original Harry." Growled Draco. He didn't mean to growl for once. It was the only way he could speak, as his delicate throat was beginning to swell up all ready.

"Shut up. I couldn't think of anything... I was DISTRAUGHT!"

Web giggled, "Hee hee... you sound like an old couple!"

Harry hit her. "Not to mention the fact you probably are!" Web said, glaring at him and rubbing her shoulder.

Draco came over to Harry. "Harry, I think you should go."

"Why?" Harry looked outraged.

"Well, he'll eventually wake up. We could just pretend he fell and hit his head."

"But... but you promised nothing would come in between us and you've only broken that promise a million gazillion bazillion times!"

"That's not too much! Can't you just give me a break? Look at how much is wrong at the moment! My fathers going to kill me, she's standing there, and I got my... first grey hair today!"

Harry screamed and hugged him tightly.

"I know, it's terrible'" Draco cried, tears streaming down his face.

"It's okay, it's okay darling, we'll get through this, and it's probably just stress!"

"Oh!" Draco cried into Harry's shoulder for a while, then wiped his nose on Harry's Hawaiian shirt and stood up properly.

"All right. Okay. Ummm, well, do you understand why you have to go?"

"No, I don't. It's not fair! Why does she get to stay and I can't?"

"Because she's supposed to be here."

"But..."

"I'm sorry darling. It's just so hard!"

"Well, can I at least stay for some tea?"

"No. No, you cannot."

"What about me?" Web sang, starting to dirty dance.

They both stared at her. Finally she stopped. "Well?" she asked

They both turned to stare out the window.

"Harry?" Draco asked after a while.

"Yes." He grunted

"Are you angry?"

"Mmmph." Harry pressed his nose against the glass.

"I'm sorry. Harry, I'm so sorry."

All of a sudden, Lucius was back on his feet, strangling Draco.

After a moment of confusing French expletives, Lucius announced that "And I've called the Dark Lord on his cell and he's coming over right now to kill youse both!"


	16. All good things must come to an end

"But why me!" screamed Web, as she was thrown into shackles next to Draco and Harry.

"Because I said so, that's why." Voldemort said, stalking up and down in front of them.

"Original." Muttered Draco mockingly.

"Well, isn't this nice." Said Voldemort, walking in front of Draco, "Little Blondie has something to say. Well, say it loud and say it proud boy!"

A glazed look came over Draco's eyes.

"Lalalalalalala I am a little silly poo head!" he announced, while doing cartwheels.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" boomed Voldemort. He doubled over laughing, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "Ahhhhhh, I love this. Hee hee hee!"

"Umm, oh master of all things evil and bad and mischievous, perhaps you might like to kill the Boy now."

"Are you telling me what to do? Die!" yelled Voldemort, aiming a rifle at him and pressing the trigger.

Click. Click. Click. Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick!

"Damnation, why won't you die?"

"Perhaps using a spell master." Said Lucius feebly, bowing down.

"Why, yes. Good idea. Damnedgunworkosis!"

Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick!

Harry, now out of his shackles, calmly took the rifle from him and 'clicked' at him once.

"Hmm... you see Voldy, it's not loaded."

"Oh." Said Voldemort, "How do you load it?"

Lucius ran to him. "Master, oh master..." He kissed his "robes".

Harry hit him on the head with the rifle in a karate chop motion. He died.

Draco uttered a shocked gasp. "Harry how could you?"

"Men." Said Harry, handing the rifle back to Voldemort, then cuddling him around the waist. Voldemort hugged him back.

Web turned to Draco, one eyebrow raised. Draco was hissing and his blonde hair was over his eyes, which were turning green. (like Dragonball Z?)

"What?" yelled Voldemort, sending a murderous look Web's way.

Both eyebrows shut up into her hair somewhere.

"Uhhh… talk about peace-keeping…" She started gagging.

"I think she was asking WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY MAN!" yelled Draco in Voldemort's general direction, pulling against his shackles.

"Your man? Huh? He ain't YOUR man boy!" Voldemort slurred, strutting past. "Harry? Why does the ferret believe you are his man?"

"Oh. Umm… you see Voldy, I…"

"YOU'VE BEEN MESSING AROUND?"

Draco made a sort of wild screaming noise. "HARRY? HOW COULD YOU?"

Both of them ignored him. "Well… I… just…"

"Actually, I already knew. You know, the whole 'I'm actually just Dumbledore and I'm a transvestite dominatrix homosexual Cyclops thing.'"

"Oh. Right." Harry looked at Draco. "Sorry mate."

Voldemort, while Harry was busy explaining to Draco that he actually did use the word mate on a frequent basis, took out the rifle and pulled the trigger at Harry's head. It made another clicking sound.

Harry spun around. "Oh, for god's sake! Give me it!" He exclaimed, grabbing the rifle, taking bullets out of thin air and loading it with expertise.

"Here!" he shouted, giving him the rifle. Then his eyes glazed over. "Oops."

Harry proceeded to run up the wall and hang off the ceiling like a bat. Then, he started yelling at Draco to save him.

Draco crossed his arms and stared at him defiantly. "No." he said stubbornly.

"Why not?"

Voldemort shot him. He dropped off the roof and crashed into the bottom of a bottomless pit, which appeared rather conveniently directly below him.

"And all this time I'd been trying to kill him with spells. Guess muggles aren't so bad after all."

Draco gagged. "Are you kidding?"

"Give me a reason why not."

Draco looked disdainful. "Well… they…" he paused. "Well… hey I think you're right!"

"Damn straight! Didn't live forever to be proven wrong by some… blonde guy!"

"My name's Draco." He muttered, "I served dinner last time you came around the Malfoy estate?"

"The what? Sorry dear, I forget little things like that… I'm getting old you know."

"You've come around to every birthday party I've had since I was 8!" Draco shouted indignantly, now out of his shackles and calmly pouring a margarita.

"Sorry dear. I do forget you know. I'm not as young as you are!"

"Why can EVERYONE get out of these shackles but me?" Web shouted indignantly.

"Who's that?" Voldemort asked

"Oh, that's just Web."

"Oh. Shall we?"

Voldemort offered the crook of his arm to Draco.

"Sure! You like Starbucks?"

"Of course, where else IS there, DARLING?"

Web shook the shackles to the rhythm of 'Wannabe' by the Spice Girls. She was bored, and for the life of her she could not work out how to get out of them. It must be a woman thing.

"STOP THAT AWFUL RACKET!" Narcissa's voice rang out from upstairs.

"HELP ME!" answered Web, "I'm stuck in these shackles and I CAN'T GET OUT!"

"SHACKLES you say?" asked Narcissa, swaggering down the stairs.

"Yes… uhhh… it was some guy called Voldemort with funny looking eyes, and Draco ran away and LOOK OUT FOR THE HOLE!"

Narcissa barely missed plummeting to the end of the universe as we know it and joined Web.

"So…." She looked Web up and down, "… you're into S&M?"


End file.
